Stephen

This morning was a hard start to the day. I woke up feeling very down (haven´t felt that bad in a few days). I told Allyn (my roommie) that I didnt want to get out of bed just yet but eventually forced myself as our host mom was preparing breakfast for us downstairs. So I quickly got ready and headed downstairs. Allyn and my host mom, Hilda, are chatting away as I try to down some coca tea. We head over to the language school together (Hilda is a teacher there) and I come to find out that Hilda is my teacher. We sit down to go over my homework and I start reading what I wrote that my family does for Christmas. Although most of it was made up, once I mentioned the word ¨papi¨I started to cry so hard. I barely made it to the end of the story. I miss my family so much and it is so hard. Anyway, my teacher and host mom stopped and started to talk to me about God´s peace and faithfulness and how He helped her so much throughout her life and never left her hanging. It was incredible because I felt peaceful as she spoke to me. Well, she got so emotional that she started crying which made me cry even harder. I guess for me it is so hard to trust God. So incredibly hard. And I often think the worst will happen which is so unhealthy. People may think I am an optimist but I struggle so much to see the light admist all of the darkness. But slowly I am being broken down and made new again. Today I read the story of Stephen in Acts where he speaks out and eventually is stoned but the inspiring part for me is when right before he passes he sees God and Jesus in heaven. What a beautiful and comforting sight that must have been. I cried just picturing it. I´m trying so hard to stay positive and my host mom says that she knows I am here for a purpose and that purpose was created by God and I need to stay focused on that. It is so hard sometimes but she is a wise woman who obvioulsy has been through a lot and knows what she is talking about.
Anyway, as I try to navigate through all of these hard emotions and uncertainity, knowing that so many people are praying for me and love me has helped so much. I realize that I have issues with my self-worth and image that I thought I had conquered. I don´t consider myself successful, amazing, or worthy of any love but in the end God created me and proclaimed me good. So I should belief that, right? It´s hard but as I work through it I remember all of you and thank you. Because as I struggle to believe in myself, you have believed in me.

To try and end this post on a postive note...this is a tribute to my parents :)
I wanted to write a list about the things I love about them and appreciate about them.

Mami...
-Your strong faith
-Your determination (especially in being physically healthy)
-Your ethics
-Your arroz con gandules
-Your story

Papi...
-When you get excited about something, you mention it like 100 times
-Your always positive attitude
-Your laugh (how your belly goes up and down)
-Your faith
-Your love