Revelation...Transformation

Here in Bolivia I have often questioned....Why am I here? And then this week especially it has been revealed to me. As I reflect on my summer and really my life...I realize that I am here, by myself (but I am making friends!) to grow as a person but most importantly as a believer. For so long...God seem so distant from me. But now, I am discovering His faithfulness and have renewed hope. From my time in Ecuador to this summer I realize that I depended on myself instead on others and God. I mean...I did depend on others so that kept me emotionally and spiritually fed for a while but then it all went downhill once I lost that very accessible community this past summer. Anyway, for so long I have been depending on others to fulfill my theological views and if I ever thought of anything on my own, I would feel guilty and think its the "devil" distracting my mind. But then...we are all human...right? Naturally, we are going to have different interpretations and who says who is wrong and who is right? We can never know fully. We have have one person from a fundamental viewpoint think one way...and someone from a liberal mennonite viewpoint interpret the same thing another way. But that is the beauty of diversity and as we all engage in community. And this even includes non-Christians (gasp!) as we are all brothers and sisters in God. I realize...I can't live in my life in fear therefore, certain theological views I can't reconcile with. To be honest...hell to me is a paradox, if God came to save us all...then how can there be a hell. But then Scriptures does describe one (a friend helped me articulate that struggle). And as far as other things...I don't know. For example, I have a nose piercing...to some here, that is the mark of the devil. What? Are you serious? First of all, when people go around saying this is of the devil, this is of God...what gives them the authority anyway? Sorry but I didnt read that in the bible. And it angers me because...we are all capable of good and evil. I believe that when we are born...we are born inherently good. We are good people that learn evil from our environment, society, world, church, etc. We all are born with such loneliness and for some maybe they dont feel it as deeply and for others they do. I think I am a person that feels that intensely. But in the end, lets stop pointing fingers at this person and that person and condemning because that is not our purpose. I always remember that I am human...I am capable of both light and darkness and I think that is a reason I was brought here...to realize that. I used to think...nope. I am a Christian so I cannot do no harm. That is false. So false. Because this summer I hurt myself and others and pray never to fall into that again and that is why it almost destroyed me. To me, we are all broken people yet we all strive for righteousness in some way or another....and maybe we won't all call it that. But let us all remember human life is so sacred. And in order to live in community we must all practice non-violence, peacemaking. But in order to do that we most be at peace within before being able to show outer peace. So I am in that process of discovering inner peace. Because without that I can't live...I will continue to have breakdowns because I am so affected by this world's terrors and hurts. So pray for me...as I embark on this unexpected but exciting journey.
As far as Santa Cruz, I am excited to start work on Monday. The kids all cry out for love and I can't wait to provide as much as I can. I obviously can't fulfill this for them....but I can try to ease their pain as they ease mine :) My boss is very energetic, very real woman so I am excited to learn many things from her. My family is very loving and caring so I am hoping to learn from them for when I start my own family someday. All in all I am trying to calm down my chaotic mind so that I may meditate and continue to hear my purpose/calling. My mind is violent and selfish...and I am in the processing of realizing this, forgiving myself, and finding inner peace with the love of people and love of God.

**I apologize that this isn't more of a daily life blog but these are thoughts that I am wrestling through and things we often dont talk about so that is why I am focusing more on that. Forgive me :)